Bridging the Gap
These are guidelines for developing stronger skills in bridging the gaps between people of varying viewpoints and perspectives. Find the ones with which you already feel comfortable, then begin to stretch towards those that don’t yet fit.
Observe a person’s body language: When a person gives non-verbal signals s/he doesn’t want to be bothered, back off. Look for changes in a person’s body language, and tailor your message accordingly. Go with the flow of her/his body language by converting the non verbal message into words (i.e. “Yes! Let’s throw out the Constitution!” or “Of course! Let’s execute everyone accused of terrorism!”).
Don’t take for granted which side of the issue the person is on: People you might think will be your allies, may not befriend you. Others who you might think are on the opposite side, could surprise you. Stop labeling people liberal and conservative / Democrat and Republican. Find where the individual stands on particular issues and concerns. It may be different from her or his label or party affiliation.
Find common cultural ground: You can make a personal connection with a person through where you grew up, hobbies, religion, job, and other interests. This helps when talking about an issue where you might not have common ground. You can also find common ground in personality styles. It may be easier for you as an outspoken extrovert to speak with someone who has a similar mode of relating. Same if your manner is more subdued – you may find common ground with another introvert.
Learn as much about the group or person as possible: Do research in the library, or on the Internet —learn about background, voting record, specific interests and family. Read the group’s literature. Learn how they frame issues. Ask others about the group or person – weigh that information along with empirical research, recognizing that the person you ask may have their own biases, which may skew their impression. Make your own observations of the person’s interactions with others so that you’ll know what to expect when you approach her or him.
Be careful with your verbal language: No personal attacks. Stay away from labels. Keep your tone calm and issue-oriented. Make your points without emotional outbursts.
Put yourself in their shoes: Learn where are they coming from, what kind of reaction do they have to what you have to say, what is causing them to feel the way they do? Come up with reasoned points that address their perspective and concerns.
Make a personal connection at the heart level: Share
some of your personal feelings about the issue – why you’re
moved to advocate for a particular point of view. Don’t stay
in your head – move into your heart, and speak from your deepest
caring. Make it personal.
Don’t sacrifice your own integrity: You don’t have to
lie or pretend in order to bridge the gap. Holding your own center,
and sticking with your own values is imperative. If your values blow
with the wind, you’ll lose respect.
Active listening: You don’t have to fill all the silence with talking. Make room in the silence for listening. Ask questions to draw the person out. Don’t ask “why” questions such as “Why do you feel that way?” “Why” questions shut people down. Instead, ask “how” questions. “How does that make you feel?” “How did you arrive at that conclusion?” “How do you plan to solve this problem?” Repeat what you think you hear them say, to make sure you’re understanding correctly, or rephrase what you think they’ve said to encourage them to elaborate. Make it a goal to learn more about how the other person regards the issue, rather than to tell everything you know. Next time you interact with them, they’ll be glad to see you.
Identify which elements of your issue have broad appeal: You may be able to find a narrow slice of agreement on an otherwise controversial issue. Start with the square foot of common ground, and develop your personal relationship on that cornerstone. Then, begin working towards enlarging the discussion.
See the forest, not just each single tree: Remember the broader goals of the peace and social justice movement. We are working for peaceful co-existence and survival. When you focus on our broader goals, you touch the heart of every human who cares about life on this planet. Ask, “If we continue with the course we’re on, what will the result be?” Ask, “How would you reach the goal of peaceful co-existence?” Bring them into the process, and brainstorm together.
Get your ego out of your discussion: This is about the issue, not you. You’re not going to win awards for how many words you pump into the conversation. This isn’t about winning a verbal sparring match – it’s developing relationship.
Be prepared to establish a long-term relationship: True change of heart comes from more than one interaction. Bridging of the gap is a long-term process, not a quick fix.
Lane County Bill of Rights Defense Committee
PO Box 51434 Eugene, OR 97405
541 683-5634
http://www.lanerights.org Email: lcbordc@efn.org